So, I love listening to soundtracks while working on homework. I think it really helps me focus more. In a way, soundtracks are this age's "classical" music. But, they can also be quite diverse. So I now present to you 5 (of my favorite) soundtracks to listen to while trying to study for the next test, or just working on homework assignments.

1: TRON. By far, this is one of my favorite soundtracks to listen to while studying. It is diverse, so it is constantly engaging you. One second it can be a melody of strings, the next it's techno. Daft Punk did an amazing job with this soundtrack, and I'd highly recommend it: Plus, it's only $7.99 on amazon, so how can you go wrong? http://amzn.to/fyLlRk

2: Avatar: This is a very melodic soundtrack. It has it's "inspirational" section, but if you want to listen to something that is generally calming, this is the perfect soundtrack for you. It is kind-of a two-part soundtrack. James Horner tried to incorporate the "military/industrial" sound as well as the "jungle/peaceful" setting as well. I put this no. 2 because of the fact that with the stress alot of homework can bring, this will chill you out: http://amzn.to/h3GmWH

3: Any of the Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings had one of the most amazing scores I've ever listened to. It's constantly engaging and changes alot. It can be melodic, and inspirational at the same time. A must listen (although whichever one you choose, it sounds a bit the same. But my personal opinion is The Return of the King has the best of the three): Fellowship of the Ring: http://amzn.to/e2CjtR, The Two Towers: http://amzn.to/ijDrh9, Return of the King: http://amzn.to/hel4Fw

4: Alice in Wonderland (inspired by): Ok, this is an "inspired by" soundtrack, but it is well worth mentioning in this list. It is a vocal soundtrack (minus one song) but it is a very varied soundtrack. Alot of big artist composed this and has a lot of variety. It has a calm/pop tone to most of the songs, but it's well worth the getting: http://amzn.to/hNqjPT

5: Black Hawk Down: This soundtrack is well worth mentioning here. Composed by Hans Zimmer (one of my favorite composers), this is an excellent soundtrack. It has alot of middle-eastern influences in the overall theme of it, but it has some really good rock melodies. It's more of one of those rock-ish inspirational type of soundtrack, but hey, got to throw in some diversity to this list: http://amzn.to/eLOQgS

Well, I really don't have any "specific" theme of this post, but I guess it's just getting some thoughts out there.

This was the first week of school and that proved to be interesting. With being a transient student at one campus for one class, and taking the rest of your classes at another, the running around that is required for your classes becomes quite hectic. But thankfully I got the class I needed, and by next fall, I'll be at my school of choice, Georgia Tech. After a long roundabout way of getting there, the pieces are starting to come together, finally, for me to be able to start my goal towards my Aerospace Engineering degree.

Right now half the classes I am taking don't apply (it was the same last semester as well) towards my major, so I feel like I am wasting time/effort with those. But live and learn. It's becoming an interesting experience, my college experience, but it's been a fun one so far. I think that it's good I did go this way, though, because I have been able to keep in contact with some of my good friends, and it allows me to see alot of them on an almost daily basis (which of course is a nice thing). Plus it's looking like by the time I transfer, I'll be rooming with a few of the friends who attend KSU with me. So that should be awesome.

But yeah, I guess that's really about it. I haven't really had a "life update" post in a while, so I figured it was time to post one again.

I love expressing myself online. This blog is one of the means that I can do that with. Because of this, I am heavily into blogging (or when I don't have the time, Twitter). But, there has been a lot of services that have come around lately that have tried to fill those "middle spaces" between the two.

A very good example of this is the "blog" (if you call it that) Tumblr. Now, I have nothing against the service, and find it really good. But it's something I always forget about. For me, you can't properly express your thoughts through it. Now, I understand it's use. It's for the "slightly" micro blogger and the people who are wanting to show clips of the internet. I find that a really cool idea, but it's something I never have fully gotten. For me, if I am wanting to express quick thoughts/pictures/videos, I use Twitter (in conjunction with yfrog or a similar service) and for fully thought out posts, I use blogs like this (although I want to soon transition over to Wordpress on my server... More will come later about that though).

I don't know... Is it that I grew up in the blogging era with such services as Xanga and never have fully gotten out of that mindset? If so, I guess I am VERY old fashioned (to all the adults who might read this, this is old fashioned in internet terms. Things change weekly basically). Oh well, as long as I keep up with most new things, a few exceptions aren't bad.

But yeah, a few thoughts, and an explanation to those who wonder why I never post there.

So this is the first installment of my yearly project blog. Every year I like to have a different project to do. Last year I built my first desktop. This year, my focus is on cars. So over the course of the year, I have a few upgrades I want to do on my car. So this is the first part of these projects.

So, I am a very DIY type of guy. If there is a problem that can be fixed yourself, I'll do it. Well, the carpeting on the back of my car has been desperately needing replaced, so me and my good friend, Michael Hallock, sat down and did it. Here is the before and after images.

::Before::

::After::

::And while we were working::

This is late, but I do this every year. I like to thank a few of my close friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. If you are not mentioned in this post, it's not that you aren't important in my life, it's probably I just overlooked it, or ran out of time. All of my friends mean so much to me, but there are a few that have just been absolutely amazing.

Michael: So, to start off, I guess I'll talk about you Michael. You are my closest friend, and I know we share many a goofy moments together. But in all seriousness, you are also one of the very few friends who I have some deep and meaningful conversations about, well, just everything. I am glad that we are such close friends, and I hope it lasts. I am so proud of your baptism and your walk in God, and your respect in your relationship with Bailey. You are a role model in many ways, and I see that your life is one that is striving for Christ. I hope to have many fun moments this upcoming year with you and our other fellow Amigop, Blake, and when we do, we shall always get Wendys and yell WICHA! :). Stay awesome and stay strong my brother.

Andrew: Andrew, I have grown up with you. I have seen how much you have changed this last year. You have questioned things, and stood strong in others. I pray that the changes you are going to go through in bootcamp won't effect your walk with Christ, or your friendship with us, your friends. Stay strong my brother, and BE SURE TO WRITE! If you don't I'll have to sick rabid monkeys to your bootcamp (and we'll see just how well Marines do against rabid monkeys! Personally, they don't stand a chance. Have you seen them before? I haven't! But I hear they are crazy!). But all kidding aside, stay strong, keep Him your priority, and remember you have friends who will be praying for you.

Bizzie: Bizzie! Well, this last year has been fun. First off, I am sorry I scared you with the blowhorn in the present. But it was just too tempting! At your birthday this year, though, beware! I have a few more tricksup my sleeve! >:) But, you have been through a lot of changes this last year, I know how hard some of them were. But I am glad to see that you have pulled out and have stayed strong through it all. I am thrilled to see you doing so well in your current school. You have been one of those very good friends who I feel like I can talk to just about anything. I am thankful for you dealing with me and my many different moods I can be in :). Stay strong, keep your focus on Christ, and don't lose your nerdness! (remember, if you do, we are going to lock you in a room that you can't get out until you solve a rubix cube! You wouldn't want that!). Just remember, that if you ever need a friend, I will always be there for you to talk to you about whatever is going on. I pray this upcoming year will bring many good memories with you and I pray that your year will be filled with many great memories with your new school and where God has put you! Finally, hopefully we can keep up our streak throughout this year with NOT ending up in the ER. I know we can do it!

Rob: Rob, you are my older brother. You have been there for me so many times and have been such an encourager to me. I thank you so much for God putting you in my life. You have helped me through so many different things, and you always listen to what we have to say, and NOT judge us, but help us. Having such a good friend like that is rare these days, and I know I can always trust on you. I pray this year God will bless you with countless blessings and you will be able to be a witness to so many people. I enjoy getting to hang out and be a geek at your house as well, with all the other guys. Stay strong, and stay devoted to Him. There is so much I could write, but I will keep it simple.

Ells: Well Ells...We did it. We have survived a semester together. Now we just have to survive one more, AND possibly living at Tech together (scary thought eh!). Hopefully we will be able to manage really well with all that will be coming up and succeed completely. Hopefully during Linear Algebra, we won't almost kill each other as we did in Calc 2 (haha). But on a serious note, I am thankful you were in my life this last year Ells. You always speak your mind (in a good way) and because of it, no one questions what God you follow, and where you stand on things. You will encourage us when needed and you will be sure to help us as well. On a lighter note, beware of Will this spring semester. Who knows what shenanigans he will unleash on you!

Will: Well Will, since I mentioned you, I might as well write about you now. We have had many good memories this last year. Anything from you getting stuck at my house with the roads iced over to sledding down steep hill last winter with Andrew. You are one of the more serious friends I have, but that is not a bad thing. If I were to describe you, I would say emotion. Not emotional, but emotion. Your statements, thoughts, and just who you are just has so much emotion in them. You care so much about things, even if you don't realize it (and not a bad caring). You will be there for us when we need someone to talk to, and you are actively pursuing Christ. I am glad that God gave me a friend like you who I can have some of the deepest conversations out of all my friends with. I pray this next year will be a good one for you, and that God will give you peace in areas that you need. With this peace, I hope he also gives you opportunity to move forward, and to do it strongly.

Blake: My fellow Amigop! You are one of the funnest (is that even a correct verb?) friends that I have. I am glad that God has given me such a crazy friend as you. This upcoming year, I pray he does some miraculous things in your life. I am glad you were able to go to Passion this year, and I hope you were able to get alot from it. Even if we didn't get to see each other that often, when you, me, and Michael got together, there were some awesome times. I pray that our friendship remains strong through time and that many more memories will be shared with you this upcoming (and after) years. Stay strong my fellow Amigop, and hopefully, I'll see you at Tech this fall!

Bailey: Well, Bailey, you are definitely one of my close friends from this last year. It's funny, I have almost felt like the older brother with you and Michael to make sure everything stays alright. But I am glad to have known you (even if everytime you see me you poke me haha). I see such strength in your relationship with Michael, and I pray that it remains strong. I would hate to see anything happen to you two. Thanks for being such a good friend to talk to, and hang out with. Stay strong with Christ, and I hope your year is blessed.

Cassidy: Cassidy... You are the one friend that if you EVER need the truth, even if it's hard, I know I can talk to you. You have went through alot this last year, had many letdowns, but also had some amazing opportunities. I pray that even when things seem hard, you will always have God as your guide and realize he has a Will for your life. Stay strong, and always trust in Him. I hope this upcoming year will be absolutely amazing for you as you end one section of your life, but start a new one. I pray that whatever college you end up in, you will be blessed. When life seems hard, just remember that God has provided you with so many talents, blessings, and some amazing friend who will stick by you. Most of all, he has a plan for you that you don't even know of. When things don't work out, there is a plan that you don't even know of. But just look forward to the future with your eyes on Him and His will, and trust in Him during even the hardest of time. He will help you through it all. I have had some great memories this last year with you in them, and hopefully this upcoming year will be the same.

Matthew: Well Matthew, this year has been an interesting one. You are the friend who I can do alot of VERY random stuff together. You are the friend that is ready to do anything random and fun. It's been awesome to know you and to do so much with you. Hopefully this upcoming year will be filled with alot of awesome stuff that you'll be apart of. Stay awesome man.

Chris: Chris, you are the older brother I never had. I always say that, but it's true. You are the guy who I know I can fully be crazy around and expect you to say hilarious things about it all. You are very sarcastic, but a very loyal friend. Hopefully this next year, if we go skiing, we WON'T get stuck on a mountain (and if we do, we'll completely blame Kristin and Ashley). But yeah, it's been cool seeing you pursue college, and I hope that this next semester will be a good one and not too hard. Stay awesome, and keep your mind always on Christ.

Jessica: Jessica, this has been an interesting year this last year (or to be more technical, semester). It was awesome to have you join us for lunch and hang out with us. Sorry if we were too "against you" I guess is the right word, but it was all just in jest. I hope this upcoming year you'll still be able to join us, and to hang out with us. Stay awesome, and stay strong.

Mallory: Mallory! This last year we didn't get to chill that much, but the times we did get to it was really fun. I am glad to see you in a new relationship with my fellow Amigop, and I pray that stays strong. Stay awesome, and be strong this upcoming year with your graduation, and heading off to college. Alot of challenges will come your way, but I know you will stay strong through them. Keep your eyes upon Him, and let Him guide your thoughts and your life. I know you will do great this upcoming year and the challenges that come with it.

Macy: FOUNDER! Many great memories this last year have you in them. It's been a really fun year and I'm glad to say that you were part of it. It's been awesome going to a new church with you (and everyone else) and having you guys accept me completely with it. Stay awesome Founder, and I pray for an awesome year ahead with you.

Alex: Alex, you are the fun, woodsman I never was. Because of that, I am glad to have had you as a friend this last year. You bring out the woodsie side of me I rarely see. On another note, you are a very loyal friend who I have had some really awesome conversations with. You should keep up your awesome manhunt parties this upcoming year! Also, with starting at Reinhardt, I pray it goes over well and you do really well this upcoming semester. Remember, don't overstress yourself too much with your classes. But stay awesome man, looking forward to Passion next year, and stay strong in your Saviour, Jesus Christ.

BJ: Cousin!!!! You are such an awesome cousin. I know I can be fully open with you with anything. We have gone through so much together, and I know we have alot to still go through. Stay awesome! I know this last year we probably didn't get to hang out as much as we used to, but hopefully this year won't be the same. Good luck with all you will be facing this year, and stay strong through it all.

Kristin: Dear sister, I love you. You are such an amazing sister. You help bring out my crazy side, and give me alot of great advice. Good luck in all you have to do this upcoming year with all that will happen, and most of all, be sure to always be sure of yourself, and sure of yourself with Christ. Remember that He has a plan for you, and even when thing seem hard, his plan is still there. Stay strong sister, and good luck in all you do.

Megan: Lil sister! First off, sorry for being the annoying brother this last year, but I feel like I have an obligation to keep up ;). Stay strong my sister with all the changes you will be facing with college and such. I know you will be very successful in all you do. Hopefully we can do some pretty awesome stuff together this year and all it brings.

Robert: MUSINEX! I am sorry for calling you that, but it has stuck so well :). Awesome knowing you man. You will be fully willing to state your mind (in a good way) and be fully open with us. You are such a good influence with helping my walk in Him this last year, and thank you for being completely strong in all you do. Good luck this year, and stay strong in Christ.

Wade: Wade, you are one of the friends that if I ever need any questions about the scriptures, I can go to you. You provide me with such inspiration with my faith whenever I talk to you. I am very thankful you are my friend. I know that if I ever need to talk to someone, you'll be there for me. I pray that this upcoming year with all the many changes that are going to occur with you will go by easily and you, and your family will be blessed on this new path you are going on. I hope you always keep Christ as your guide and you will always turn to Him for all your struggles.

Before reading my comments about what is going on, please just read the first paragraph below this sentence and scroll to the bottom of this post... And read the goodbye letter from the programmer Bill Zeller.

This last week, a well-respected programmer, Bill Zeller, took his life. He had grown up as the victim of psychological and sexual abuse. The reason behind this act of his is he felt "the Darkness" had too much a hold of his life. He couldn't live with it... He couldn't cope with it. He felt alone. He tried different methods for getting rid of the Darkness, but they never worked. Eventually it manifested itself in him so much... He couldn't live at all. So he took his life....

My heart is completely broken. Completely and utterly broken. There are things in this world you read... And you feel as if God is telling you something.

He... Fell to the Darkness: Satan. Sin. Rejection. Pain. Suffering.

This breaks my heart to see this story. For two different reasons.
One is that he had to face such unbearable pain throughout his life without being told of freedom. Freedom through Christ. Christ shines through the Darkness. It will NEVER have a hold of a person who has Him in them.

The second reason my heart is completely broken over this story is that no one SAW his pain. As a Christian, we are to listen to what God says to us. The saddest part of this story is... He grew up in a Christian family. But he couldn't find Freedom. Redemption. Joy. Love. Christ.

...But all he had was the Darkness...

But... Here is what I feel convicted on doing. I feel that God is having me pray for Bill Zeller's family and friends. If he had grown up with this Darkness, maybe...MAYBE freedom is still there for those effected by the Darkness as well? I am going to set up a Facebook group, and if you can (the Facebook group is here: http://on.fb.me/hGk3CU)... PLEASE Tweet #prayingforthefamilyofbillzeller. It doesn't seem much, but what if we could just show His love to them in a few simple ways? I feel convicted because of all of this. If you can't read his final goodbye without crying because he never saw the Light... It's unbearable. I know they might not ever read this, they might not ever see what could happen if we did this. But we can still make a difference. Please join the Facebook group I'll post here (or if this is in the Facebook group already, invite people you know to pray). Lets counteract this Darkness. Let's show Christ.

Lets show Jesus.


::Goodbye letter::

Bill Zeller

I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.

The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.

Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.

I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.

Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.

Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.

I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.

Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.

Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.

Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.

So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.

I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.

I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.

I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.

I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.

So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.

I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.

There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.

You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.

Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.

I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.

I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.

—-

I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.

If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.

A random example:

"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.

If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.

Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.

I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.

Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.

I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.

—-

To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.

I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.

Bill Zeller

—-

Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.

Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.